So, long time no see, Internet.
My computer has been broken. It still isn't fixed, but I am borrowing one for the moment.
I'm feeling awful tonight. There's several reasons. A lot has happened since I last wrote on here.
The first thing, and the biggest thing, is that my first-rate friend was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. This, of course, is scary as shit. Not so much because I fear her ending up in a wheelchair or I think she'll lose her facilities. I'm more scared of what it will do to her head - to her soul. She's never really had anything tragic happen to her before this. Like, nothing horrible that you can't turn back from. There's been some things, like in everyone's life, but nothing that I would say has that finite gravity that says, "Well, this is so awful it is going to change you. You're going to try and recover, but you won't."
I was hoping it would stay that way, but it didn't.
The worst part for me is the fact that there's nothing - nothing - that I can do about it. In any capacity. I mean, I can listen to her, I can let her be upset, but . . . I can't cause any change.
It's frustrating to a sickening degree.
I am also frustrated and feeling small and ineffective because one of my favorite former Girl Scouts (yes, we have favorites - get over it) attempted suicide recently. I can't . . . I can't reconcile that with the sweet, smart, beautiful little person I knew. I mean, I knew her life was going to shit, but suicide? I can't imagine being at that point myself where nothing seems to be working, and not being seems like your best option.
I can't fathom it.
I just . . . I just want to be able to contact her and comfort her and tell her that's she's worth more than she knows. She's a special kid, that's for sure. Even if she's royally fucked up her life at present . . . the kid I knew was a good enough beginning to hang on to. She was someone who had presence and matter and . . . her input wasn't just input, it was a contribution.
I don't think that when you are that type of person that it is possible for you to lose that spark completely, you know? There's got to be embers of her former self buried within.
I'm hoping that this is the bottom. I'm hopeful that she'll come back from this.
I love this kid. I never wanted the type of life for her that's unfolded. I don't want that for anyone, but . . . especially her. She has (had?) fire and fucking passion and relevance.
The other thing that's happened is - hopefully - a good thing. I met someone I really enjoy. Well, I met him about nine months ago, but I've progressed in the type of enjoyment I get from him. I like the way he talks about music. He's very passionate and knows a lot about the things that are important to me. He's got an interesting way about him. He's a good father - he loves his son.
Basically, I feel like I can be comfortable around this person. That's pretty rare for me, and it never happens this fucking fast.
I'm excited about getting to know him more.
Again, that's rare, too. I don't usually connect with people, and, when I do, I'm not really in any particular hurry to get to know them. You know?
I find most people disappointing. Less than they could or should be.
This guy's no angel, that's for sure - he's got problems. But . . . they are all problems that I think I understand.
Also, there's the fact that we went to bed together. We talked about it for what seemed like a long time before.
It was really, really nice. I mean, the sex was good - it was great. Physically, it felt right. However, there was something else there that made me really fulfilled. I felt comfortable - comforted. It was the best first time I've had with someone.
Anyway, I'm apprehensive because now I'm here.
I'm not a moron. I know this could be nothing. However, to start having these feelings and then leaving . . . it's difficult. I mean, if it was going to go anywhere I feel like this lack of proximity would kill it.
He really missed me right after I left. I'm afriad he'll panic attack himself out of wanting to see me again, though. The intial feelings of desire and want may have been exagerated by the coming together and then having such an immediate and massive physical distance - for both of us. For me, they've subsided a little but there's this rolling excitement. Like, I enjoy the fact that I like him. I'm afraid that for him the initial intensity will cause any feelings he may or may not have explored otherwise to burn out before anything else happens.
I know what I want.
I want to sleep with him again. More importantly, I'd like to just hang out and talk. I had the best day walking around with him and looking at record stores and talking. I'd like to know him - really know him.
I'd like to build a relationship that lasts a lifetime and extends well beyond the superficial. I really feel like there's something lasting between us. That could be bullshit, but it doesn't feel that way now. I'd like to give it a shot. I hope I get to.